Why can't lettuce taste like chocolate

Momma knows she should lose weight and momma should also exercise but I have several hurdles to get over first.
Momma Explains: Lettuce. broccoli, and carrots just don't taste like chocolate. When you are in the midst of a bad day, you don't comfort yourself with the thought " This is a bad day but I will feel better when I get home and have a carrot smoothie." EWWWW YUCK, That would depress me even more, but if I said to myself. "This day is the pits but when I get home I am going to open that nice bottle of wine I have and eat a POUND of chocolate cake." Now, that is a happy thought! The kind of happy thought which gets you through a lousy day. I can't imagine thinking that a high fiber protein shake could offer the same comfort as a Cosmo and chips. When you are exhausted from the demands of the job, no one ever started to smile at the thought of some nice fluffy egg whites for dinner, but you dream up a thick and rare slab of prime rib, now I am grinning. The food industry really needs to pursue growing vegetables that taste like candy, fiber that taste like salt and chips and egg whites that taste like 2 pounds of prime beef, with mushrooms and garlic potatoes.

How am I ever to be thin and svelte when all the good stuff tastes so darn good and is just attached to me. Everyone likes to live with momma. I eat pasta and sausage and it takes up residence on my hips. The only way to combat this is through the evil exercise regimen of sweat, hard work and physical activity. What an incredible waste of time, I could be home baking a chocolate cake to prepare for a bad day at work but instead I have to go to some smelly( and it is not garlic) gym, look at everyone who actually thinks working out is more fun than chocolates and wine and then pretend I know how to work the machines. Then, I must disinfect the horrid equipment because people drip really gross things all over those machines, I use tons of hand sanitizer on the knobs and handles alone. If people were considerate and did not sweat all over the machines then we would not have to clean them before using.To make the whole experience even more humiliating, I usually spend more time fixing my towel and reading the instructions than actually exercising. One time, I actually got stuck on a weight machine and they had to pry me off, some man almost fell off the treadmill because he was laughing so hard. Maybe I should just spend more time hounding the food manufacturers about that chocolate lettuce idea. Waiting on hold for the customer service representative that I can understand, can be exhausting, I might even need some cake.